NOTABLE QUOTES

“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”
–Jerry Seinfeld

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”
–Ellen DeGeneres

“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.”
–Dick Cavett

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.”
–Rita Rudner

“I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.”
–Michael McShane

“Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork. I’m sorry, what was that last one?? Don’t eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?”
–Jon Stewart

“I voted for the Democrats because I didn’t like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.”
–Jack Mayberry

“Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?”
–John Mendoza

“Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.”
–Steven Wright

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.”
–Conan O’Brien

“I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.”
–Bruce Baum

“I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.”
–Jeff Stilson

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.”
–Rita Mae Brown

“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.”
–Lily Tomlin

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”
–Bill Maher

“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”
–David Letterman

“If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.”
–Jay Leno

“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?”
–Larry Miller

“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.”
–Lily Tomlin

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.”
–Lynda Montgomery

“I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!'”
–Bruce Baum

“Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?”
–Lily Tomlin